Explaining Kids Suicide
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Sat here feeling very much 37 weeks pregnant:
swollen feet – check
crazy unstable emotions – check (sorry matthew)
ever expanding belly – check
sleepless nights – check
crib built – check
a big long list of things i want to get done before baby arrives – check
And i’m grateful. So grateful for all the above. In all the uncomfortableness, making a baby is a beautiful gift. And i can’t wait to meet this little one. It’s taken me 37 weeks to actually stop and realise that I’m pregnant. With Issy running around and consuming all my time, this little one hasn’t really had a look in. But now i’ve finished work, I’m trying to rest, and have some me time, and focus my mind. To be still, and thank God for his faithfulness and his peace. To prepare my mind for the joy that is labour! Because, in this resting, I’m reminded of a little one that didn’t make it this far. My glory baby. Who was promoted to heaven a bit earlier than was expected.
Last April we had a miscarriage. I know too well that this is a familiar story for so many… I started bleeding at 10 weeks, so we had a scan. Heartbeat was fine, and everything looked healthy. But the bleeding continued, so we had another scan. There was no heartbeat this time. We had issy with us, and amazingly, my Dad was also in the hospital having a check up, so he came and took Issy while we tried to digest the news. Devastated, we went home, and I basically miscarried that afternoon. It was really painful physically and emotionally as we wanted to have faith for a good report. At what point do you stop praying for this life, and accept whats happening. We prayed, and released the baby to God whatever the outcome, but it was a hard tension with believing for a miracle. But i knew my body was miscarrying, I knew the baby was gone. All three of us on the bed, praying, worshiping, issy copying my “pain” face and jumping on me (a beautiful little distraction) – it was a really surreal afternoon but a beautiful one that i’ll never forget – knowing God’s peace and his loving arms around me, with my two faves, saying goodbye to one that’ll we’ll see another day. I miss them everyday, but i know they’re safe enjoying heaven’s lullaby.
About two months before this, God had put a scripture on my heart, and i really felt the need to memorise it. Romans 15:13 – I never do this. I wish i did it more. It consumed me. Filled me. Grew in me. I knew it was truth. It was God preparing me to have hope on the very day that would feel hopeless…
It was weird, but i had “all joy and all peace” – for He is the God of hope. He is faithful. I did grieve. I cired a lot. My hormones were all over the place and it took time for my body to heal and for me to be in a place to try again, but in the midst of the storm, i was so thankful that God had prepared my heart with his words, to know that He is the God of hope and that despite my circumstances, i could still have His peace and joy, that only comes from knowing Him. (below: issy being my joy in the middle of the miscarriage)
He is with us in the pain, and He will turn your mourning in dancing. He is the God of Hope.
I was supposed to post this in September… just a month late. Oh to be organised!
I’m a definte mixture of being organised and being scatty – which drives my husband’s OCD crazy. I know some people are really gifted in this area, but i’ve come to realise that i have to work quite hard at it, but when i am organised, life is so much more simple, and to be honest, when things are simple, there’s more room for the fun!
So for me, i see September like the new year really. The obvious shift in season, and the end to the summer holidays and beginning of school. For me, January 1st – there’s no change really, it’s still cold, but there’s now no presents to look forward. So when i came accross this diary that starts from September, i got all excited, and organised. Just putting a few simple things in place has helped me plan my social, work, issy, husband, church, chores, birthday, and every other thing we need to remember calendars.
Another thing that i’m not so great at is simply being motivated. Again, some people wake up with adrenaline through their veins seizing the day – sometimes, i struggle to wake up! So for me, my faith is key in this. Waking up and knowing who i belong to (Jesus) and how he sees me (a daughter) and that i’m part of a beautiful adventure (his kingdom) – these simple truths motivate me, and a real simple way, on top of the obvious reading your word, and spending time with your maker, is to create an atmosphere at home/work that inspires you to think upon the one who is truly the only inspiration. Simply by decorating your home with bible verses and art that points to jesus. So in that unmotivated hour, (or morning!) a glimpse at some pretty truth, is simple and effective enough, that it might just steer me out of my cloud and up to the mountain of praise and purpose.
1. Busy B Diary – Amazing week view twice – so you can see home/work or appointments/birthdays – starting september – plus little pockets throughout to hold those receipts or appointment cards
2. Busy B Calendar – every family member can have a column, plus it has very handy pockets
3. Worship project prints
4. Magnetic Shopping List – such a time saver!
5. French Press Morning prints
6. Storage suitcase – filing, nick nacks, random toys – when i have a pretty box i dont mind tidying my things away
Aw i love the gift of music. And these beautiful peops have blessed me so much this month, which has been a tough one. So important to lift your eyes, open your ears to truth when clarity seems hard to grab a hold of.
– Philippa Hanna: I know she is not new to so many of you – but i saw her live for the first time at Thursday Night Live at the Mess Cafe, Manchester, last week. I really needed a night with the girls, and i really needed to hear some hanna. An anointed lady, carrying the beautiful presence of God. particularly loving “Raggedy Doll” and “lighthouse”
– Steffany Gretzinger: from Bethel, California – wow this girl! Every song from this album has so spoke to my heart and lead me straight to jesus. Beautiful soulful lyrics. “Out of Hiding” and “steady heart” are faves, but they’re all gems.
– Hillsong – i love new songs. I love that i can’t keep up with all the beautiful new songs begin written around the world glorifying God. “Touch the sky” – i just have it on repeat at the moment “i touch the sky when my knees hit the ground” – YES!
– Lauren Daigle – stumbled across this beautiful lady the other night when listening to a youtube worship playlist, just soaking – wow – an incredible voice, very gritty, likened to Adele, Jesus just oozes out of her. I love “Trust in You”!
Happy Easter! Yes Jesus! Thank you for choosing the cross. That i am forgiven and free, that the veil was torn from top to bottom – there’s nothing in the way of you and me! beautiful grace. forever thankful for the shame that you have taken away and that i can know you personally…
I’m seeking God over a few things, and learning this scripture has really helped in the asking, and the waiting –
Romans 15:13 – ‘May the God of hope, fill you with ALL joy and peace as you TRUST in him, so that you may OVERFLOW with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit”
All joy and peace – yes please. Matt said something this evening, he said, “we’re really good at working hard beth, but we need to make time to play hard”… I can have so many things in my head at one time, – i think mum’s generally do – which often adds nothing to my peace – i’m the one getting in the way of that ‘play’ that ALL JOY AND PEACE…
But it does comes with a little task (or not so little task) from ourselves – trust in him! I need to lay all the things down in my head and… trust in him. Trust in the cross. Trust that it is finished. Trust that we start in a place of victory when we call on his name. Trust in his goodness, his kindness, trust in his love this easter. Whatever it is you are seeking him for, trust that he has got it. He’s your daddy – he loves you, that’s why he sent his son to the cross – he’s been a father for a long time – he’s the one to put your trust in this easter!
All joy and peace (and hope)… as we trust
(link to the beautiful steffany gretzinger’s ‘out of hiding’ – from the album ‘the undoing’)